...your a thousand miles away...

the shot

...adrienne, on her way to stand in the doorway, framed by the tree and the light post, created a shot that i could not resist but to take. the dim lights of the plaza helped to cast a shadow that pointed her walk directly back towards me. her shadow assures me that her walk is not one way -away from my presence and the camera- but instead a walk so that we can constantly see each other in new light, under different stimuli. never is there a doubt to the kind of photo that can result from her being the referent of the camera's focus.

over the past few months i have become a fan of black and white imagery. the contrast of dark and light, the timelessness that is lent to the shot, reaching both back into time and into the future. my past and future is in this photograph. one of the first memories that i have explicitly with my father is one that has to do with the camera. my father's camera sat on a tripod aimed towards the city of cincinnati to grab the momentary illumination of the entire skyline. his timing chord draped from the location where it screwed into the camera so that the movement of his pressing of the shutter button did not blur the resulting image. one of my first prized gifts as a child was a fuji camera from my mother and father. that is part of the past that brought me to this image, among many.

and then there is the future. this photograph holds the future, not in the sense of death that is barthes, but instead the reminder of the beauty that i must never take for granted in my life, the beauty of my present and future. to hold that in the focus of my eyes and not the eyes of the camera (though the latter will be part of it for sure).

and then lief would ask: "hey there delilah, what is it like in new york city?"

delilah would likely respond: "beautiful. tall and beautiful. you really must visit."

lief may just answer: "zwolle is as well. do you remember the wine? and bread?"

you are so close.

quick snapshot - grounds for thought

lovely

a study of perspective

with the camera sitting on the manfrotto as silent as it could be, i tried to disappear in the shadows of the studio, hidden behind the hanging window frames still filled with their aged glass. from a slight distance, and with their focus on their artistic production, i could attempt to make my presence one that was only barely -if at all- felt. i had noticed that of all the windows that hung from the warehouse rafters, one of the pains had cracked, distorting or breaking the clarity of objects behind it. the distortions wasn't what most interested me, but instead how one broken pane and one unbroken pane could change create a story about of the two artists sitting across from each other at the same studio desk, each the opposite of the other (note the color of their clothes). my thoughts began to wonder if the crack in the glass, couldn't represent the vision of the world of the person sitting behind it; one possibility. i also wondered if the state of the glass couldn't somehow represent future of the person sitting behind each one, a future only temporarily frozen in the act of taking the image. the values of the referents of the photograph will change as the lens free from the confines of the photo is changed, that is to say as soon as the image is frozen, the world continues and the experiences and occurrences begin to change the way people will see the image. or even, if the glass would be the internal filter affecting the external perception of the objects behind.

here, there are two individuals, two people from very different spaces and with very different experiences. knowing their personalities, i had to remove myself from making any judgment as to whether or not the image would in fact reflect their individual personalities, but instead personalities that any viewer could imagine. with neither subject in focus, it was easier to "dis-imagine" their known identities. the "lens" through which the observer views each of the subjects now takes absorbs more of the resposibilities of the persona of the subjects -in addition to the colors thrown over their blurred bodies-; one sits behind shattered glass and the other through a perfectly un-shattered pane.

one thing that i notice is that because the crack in the glass is clear, i keep returning to look at that side of the picture, rather than the one with the "unobstructed" yet blurred view of the reality i am creating. the crack, the imperfection gives me a point of reference for the rest of the photo. i almost seem to find more "perfection" in the broken side simply because i can see what is broken clearly. with something concrete in the image, i can grab hold of it and not throw ignore it, not throw it to the side. with that irregularity i can feel that the value of the image is changed, and that the person on the left may be less likely to ever have clarity because their view is forever blocked by the cracked glass. i stopped the moment (though not the reading of the moment) there and there is no changing that. so which of the two, equally unclear subjects is presented more clearly in this photograph (and how long will that reading be the dominant one)?

one thing i know is that i would like to return to the thought of the internal filter, held within, seen within the photograph as its obviety (especially if one is more apparent) creates a new dialog externally.

i would also like to note that my personal ramblings can be seen as such and that -while i will still hold ownership...- i am not, unfortunately, the "expert" of my own work. that very well could be a dangerous invitation to comments.

from one side of the west side...

not likely to follow the format of previous entries, there have been a series of events that have created a virtual cascade over the past few days. the first in the series of events happened a few days ago when there was some kind of tremendous windstorm that passed through the cincinnati area that knocked down numerous trees and created a small version of a disaster area. one micro-focus of the "mini-disaster" was the area immediately surrounding my parents home; in other words their yard...

with severe weather moving through the area, the local alarms sounded and my mother awoke to their sound deciding to head towards the basement. before she went down she mentioned something to my father and left the master bedroom to head down the stairs towards the first floor and then the basement. shortly after opening the door, there was an apparent pause, and then she said, "um, i think we have a little problem." the brief phrase was an uncharacteristic understatement for what was really a rather large problem with a series of little problems.

the "breeze" that came through tore two trees in half: one horizontally, the top half of which was thrown into the roof and wall of the house only to come to rest on top of the hot-tub enclosure and hot-tub; and the other vertically, the split missing the gazebo they have near the water feature and small pond but not missing the neighbors' pool. without need to elaborate further, the pool will need a little help...

at this point the house has also seen better days, likely even when the house frame was the only thing standing. with the initial impact to the house, a large portion of the roof (about a quarter) was destroyed leaving a gaping hole for the continuous rain water to work its way through the house. the continued impact smashed windows and walls, creating a buckling of the dining room wall where part of the frame is now broken and visible to those both inside and out. needless to say their is going to be a need for some construction in the near future, especially because the "tarp" that was placed over the hole in the roof was just left to lay over the exposed beems of the roof, so that as the rain water collected it was able to seep through and make its way into the house.

so with the continued wet weather, they have had an eternal fight one their hands to empty the flood-water from the basement while emptying a few of the upstairs rooms of all possessions since they are likely to collapse at some point in the near future. here are a few of the photos my father took of the aftermath.

...to the other:

speaking of flood waters, my brother and his wife had a problem (i think last fall) where the sewage under their house did not move through their property well, and went through the path of least resistance. this means simply having to defy gravity and surge through the drain in their garage. after this last "event" they created a list of all their possessions that were damaged by the cincinnati sewage water (since they are prohibited from keeping anything as the microbes of feces can be "harmful") and are then given a reimbursement from each that really only reaches garage sale prices (try to replace really nice musical equipment, computers, etc. on a garage sale budget, and then re-finish your basement).

the first production from the cincinnati metropolitan sewage district was not enough, so when the "authorities" thought they had solved the problem; they did not. this time, after having been told the problem was fixed, they moved their "new" possessions into the basement as well as some others since the office had to be moved and then the cincinnati msd decided to come out with the sequel. the video below is what they came home to find.

another sewage production

you can see there is little doubt that they are not responsible for a little back-up in their plumbing... also, i cannot think of much you can really do at that point to salvage the situation.

across the street

not to be left out (but really hoping to be left out of the fray) my sister began to notice some water coming through the ceiling. as of publication there was still no return from the adjustor to get the problem solved before it becomes a much larger issue. i hope that at no point there are neither photos nor videos to add to the entry.

other than the occasional indirect commentary, no more will be added here...

additional photos however, will be added. here is a link to more photos from my sister of the home destruction as the damage countinues to mount:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/fbx/?set=a.550780231904.2066167.206301068

escape

elements of poverty

very near where my great uncle (or some relation like that on my father's side) used to have a small grocery store, an artist friend began to rent a portion of the top floor of an old warehouse turning it into a studio. there, i would attempt to disappear into the creative space to harness some roaming creativity and inspiration. unfortunate for my studies, the creativity very rarely lead to academic process, but instead to photography and writing. it became a place where i furthered the practice of an art/science that i enjoy. there i began to develop my fundamental knowledge of photography and a sort of portfolio of digital images that will slowly make their way to this site.

the building in the shot above is from the parking lot of the warehouse, across a side street of w. 8th towards price hill. price hill used to be an affluent extension of downtown cincinnati but is now a neighborhood in continual marginal transition; one group to another. the lower part is appropriately called lower price hill and has a markedly lower average income; likely significantly lower than the less-than-swelled poverty line. the marginal migration toward the lower price hill area is in part due to the lack of investment in the area, as compared to much of downtown Cincinnati which has signs of the process of gentrification in pockets throughout the city, pushing the lower income urban space slowly toward the outskirts of the city.

on a sunny day, with the same simple gear as always, i went on a brief urban photo shoot. this is one of many photos from the series of urban buildings during that shoot. this image plays with the idea of exposure in two ways exposure to light and exposure to poverty, which seem as polar opposites. the over exposure of the brick and the high contrast between the highs and lows of the building gives it a sense of hopelessness with an exposure to the "elements" of poverty and light.

a look in arnhem

the image

not so many months ago adrienne and i were in arnhem, and after the business for the day, she brought me around sliding through the slush and snow of the second uncommon winter in a row. as i have previously mention, she is the person i most enjoy as my subject in photos, as well as the woman i love. the reason that photographs generally work between the two of us has to do with a relationship of trust: the operator (photographer) and the referent (the subject) must have a close relationship in order for the camera to disappear between the two. having the camera in front of you could be compared to being naked in front of someone for the first time, with all of your insecurities exposed at once. when two people have nothing to hide, and are not trying to portray what could be considered the desired eternal self, then the most beautiful photographs come out.

in this case, of course it does not hurt the adrienne is amazingly beautiful and in turn perfectly photogenic. this photo, as best i can remember, is the result of a request. we were sitting with the window to my right and her left, with the movie theater just blocking the view of the plaza and the ice skating rink. i do not even remember the exact request, not does it really matter since the end result is that of adrienne looking towards the outside with her eyes, but returning to the inside without having seen those things that pretend to block her gaze. instead her look is inside, and that helps reveal, for me, both sides of her beauty: the inside and the outside. a beauty about this kind of photograph (and about any photograph that touches you) is that your gaze to the photograph is initially outward, but when it touches you your gaze is returned toward your inner self; memories, a daydream of desired memories or just simply a new thought inspired by something you see in the image.

as opposed to the eidelon barthes barthes sees in photographs, here there are many things i see, in three words: past, present, future.

#3-b/w

the shot

bringing the camera everywhere is a habit that i break and then recreate; never truly wanting to leave it behind, but never really wanting to lug it around. maybe a better camera bag would alleviate a portion of that sort of "laziness" but in the end, the only thing that ever keeps me from lugging it is other responsibilities that would be ignored should the camera make its way on the trip, becoming a character of almost any conversation. my friends have grown to deal with its presence, my fiancée has mentioned a certain enjoyment from being the primary focus of my lens (and i might add here, the only focus of my eyes). this photograph was the fruit of an overly burdened shoulder. heading to a graduate seminar with the laptop, a few books, some copied articles and the rest of the required materials –all orangizedly stuffed into the backpack– i managed to tow along the camera leaving all but the 18-55mm lens behind. a classmate on the way back from the mid-class coffee break (a luxury of only the 3 hour classes) became the primary focus after i saw the reflection and the background and realized that with the reflection, i could merge the foreground and background into one plane and confuse the sense of sight. there are only minimal changes made to the original.

there really is love in this world, and sometimes it takes interresting forms, but you still have to recognize what it is. just make sure when you have it, that it knows your wishes and dreams, and can see them.

most of my time these days is spent seated, facing a computer screen, trying to come up with something at least moderately interesting to say. it doesn't even have to be imporant, at least that is the feeling i have at this point. sometimes things have to be done well, and that was the case for the visa application i have been putting together in a group effort of endless papers, processes, etc. now that process seems to be pretty much complete on my end, except for the waiting. yes, there is waiting involved. but i guess keeping my head wrapped in the tasks at hand help to keep it from being wrapped and soffocated by waiting, by the void.

so then back to the papers, well, in part. because my day wouldn't be complete without a few calls back and forth from the Netherlands on skype. beautiful woman that one who is managing through an unexpected period in her birth-nation. the reading and writing brings me joy, just never at the pace that the university seems to request, it is as if they have manage to turn education into a training ground for consumption and turn around: one work, then next, and the next... yes, i realize education has always been a certain way, but they are teaching and we are learning, all in a world with significantly more noise that the world where they studied and their professors taught. it also seems as if the process itself, the machanization of education has managed to lower the value of each class, because (as teachers know, as do some others) failing a student is simply not possible. their parents will complain, you will have to defend the fact that they failed, and the process continues until you leave education to make a little more money with a little less stress. that's what you want out of education, right?

there is a book that i have been meaning to read for the longest time now, by a relative of the late Miguel de Delibes. the title roughly lends this feeling, in quotes because of the idea of paraphrasing: "the loss of common sense in education".

if the administrators and (i should be careful not to include all) the faculty of upper education have lost common sense, they there is little to no hope that the teachers that are born from that process become teachers that pass on common sense, and so on. the idea that common sense is passed really has to do with the ability to critically think and develop immediate and natural processes to approach a given situation. just as in writing: if you cannot write, it is difficult to teach writing, or math, if you cannot solve the equation, how are you going to help others find the solution to the ecuation. of course, there are always the parents that can save the children from the hopeless loss of common sense, but when both parents are born of similar situations and both have to work, where are the necesary continual interactions needed to internalize social interaction that at least borders on responsible and intelligent? daycare? where you pay to have someone exchange a system of "knowledges" with your child, community and assistance that must be bought.

ah hell, let's get to some writing. Adrienne, ik hou van je.

prelude to "production's fall"

for a few months now i have been ranting about how my lack of production, or the lack of production for any "man" could be cause for an autocrisis. If man doesn't produce, then he is not really "man". Recently those thoughts have realized their own error. The judgement of value, likely to the joy of euqailicists is no longer based on this production, but rather an equation of capacity to purchase. Some points/proofs that will later be developed in this series are:

-keeping up with the Joneses

-the ambiguation of the "masculine" space (the garage)

turns out that decor in the garage is the new manifestation of potent masculinty.

-ageless and genderless consumption

the rights movements and the generic power of purchase

-the threat of a purchase

built from ageless and genderless consumption, and the power in the possibility

grad credit anecdote

-the value of education: decline of the humanities and the increase in consumerism

-decrease funding for knowledge production: production dilutes the value

-univerity as a space of the training for consumption not the training of production

the previous and this may be melded

-rewarded self-satisfaction of purchase/or purchase power: the efimeral nature of the purchase and the need of more consuption.

-Simbolism of the purchase/purchase power

among some possible others, for now i have to return to Unamuno and the rol of religion and the spiritual search in 20th century spain, since it is such a concise topic easily covered in the range of 5-10 pages, right?